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Occasionally I buy something on Woot!, and once in a blue moon they sell something called a “Bag of Crap” (BOC) which usually contains crap, cheap items they just want to get rid of from the warehouse. but a lucky few get really nice items, like plasma TV, Wii, etc… but the BOC is really hard to get because they sell out in a couple minutes. I managed to get a BOC the last time around and it arrived at the house. The following is a story of the opening of the BOC…enjoy…

Well, I got my crap…never again…

I don’t say that because I actually got crap, but because the crap caused my cat Lucy (Adrienne’s cat) to have a #$%#$ mental spaz attack episode! I write this as my legs and hands throb from multiple bites, scratches and gouges. Let me try to explain….

“Oh, honey, there’s a box next to the door, I think it’s your Woot stuff.” Sweet! I’m dying to open it, but we are in the middle of “How I met your Mother” or some crap, so I politely wait until it’s over to open the box. Shows over, I grab the box and open it. 2 mouse pads, Targus bag, couple of squishy water toys, poker game and a Screaming Monkey Toy. Good stuff, not bad, I’m happy. I play around with the squish toys, Lucy is sitting on the floor watching and seems amused, but not too interested. One of the squish toys is the chicken where the bubble of water comes out of its behind, I smirk as I squeeze a couple times. All of a sudden I am soaked including the couch and wall behind me, it burst. I laugh and jump up to get some paper towels, and as I jump up, I kick the box of crap…the monkey screams. Holy Hell ensues.

All I know is Lucy is now screaming like it’s tail is caught in a rocking chair…she is puffed up like a blowfish…and she is coming towards me. Lucy gets puffed up occasionally when she is being playful and is harmless, but this time I know something is very wrong. As Lucy comes towards me, I keep calm, bend down and try to grab her, to try to calm her down…mistake. Lucy viciously attacks and clings to my leg. I am startled, but manage to extract her from my leg. As she starts coming after me again, still screaming, I grab the box of crap next to me to fend her off. At this point I really have no idea why she is acting like this. As I fend off Lucy, the monkey is screaming it’s head off, which I now know is further enraging her! I manage to back the cat into the bedroom and shut the door…all is numbingly quiet…I tend to my wounds.

Adrienne yells at me for a while and tries to instill in me the wisdom of how a Bandolier of Carrots (Box of crap she calls it) is a waste of money and dumb, something the Woot! writers have been telling us all along! We give Lucy an hour to chill out in the bedroom. I open the door and she immediately puffs and starts growling and hissing, not screaming though. I leave the door open and walk away, we sit down to watch some more tv and wait to see if she will venture out. She does come out and acts like nothing ever happened. But that doesn’t last long. Some movement or something triggered her to start screaming and again, but she bolts back into the bedroom. We watch more tv.

Adrienne needs to go to bed, so I need to figure out how to get Lucy out of the bedroom. I put on my jeans, a winter coat and grab a blanket to try to grab her, not taking any chances. I flush her from under the bed and she runs into the closet and onto a shelf behind some clothes. I dive into the clothes and try to wrap the cat in the blanket…another mistake. She fights back so furiously it takes a crap on Adrienne’s pile of jeans, and manages to gouge up my hands through the blanket. I did not capture her…she’s under the bed again…I tend to my wounds and clean up the crap, in that order.

I shut all the doors leading from the bedroom to the laundry room down the hallway, the closet is blocked too. I flip up the top mattress so she doesn’t go to the wrong side of the bedroom, she starts screaming. I am trapped if she decides to attack, she looks at me and puffs up, stands stationary while growling, hissing and probably deciding whether to attack or not. but she wisely goes the other way and runs right into the laundry room. I shut the door and breath again. She is staying there tonight and tomorrow while we are at work. She has plenty of food and water, the litter box is in there too…I planned ahead.

I know a lot of you are thinking what a loser, should have broken it’s neck, or just picked it up…neither were an option for reasons that should be obvious. Tomorrow will be a lengthy discussion on why we should get rid of the cat, especially with a baby on the way.

Never trust a Screaming Monkey!

Well, that’s my story, hope you enjoyed it. I have a couple links below with some of the battle wounds, if you don’t mind looking at a little blood and hairy legs

Pic 1 | Pic 2

And here’s a pic of Lucy puffed up, previously photographed when she was playful, but gives you an idea.

Jerry

Just a graphic of me…